Steve Rogers' Dirty Little Secret
by c0llapsing97
Summary: A week before Cap's birthday, Nat stumbles across his dirty little secret. She had known he had been hiding something, but what? She wasn't sure. Wanting to air out his dirty laundry, she & Sam team up to make a slideshow of their discovery and show the rest of the Avengers during the party. Although his secret may not be as dirty as it seems, the night still takes a comical turn.


**Hi guys! I was having a bad day and wanted to write something, but my main Cap fic is a little too depressing to work on while I'm sad. So I decided to write this uplifting, goofy little piece. I don't really care that much if people read it, but I thought that I'd write it just to cheer myself up.**

**I apologize for all the bad dad jokes, but if it made me smile, I'm hoping it will make you smile too! I think I'm funny in real life, but who knows if it works out on paper.**

**Also, I stole the Thor/Peter part from Tumblr. I'm not sorry.**

**Thank you Lorde for the inspiration, I miss your onion ring review Instagram account every damn day.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel **

* * *

Steve Rogers' Dirty Little Secret

It was a sunny Saturday morning in June and the sun had just risen. The bright light of morning leaked in from the floor to ceiling windows of the Avenger's complex, painting everything from the wooden floorboards to the silver appliances in a golden hue. The sun kissed the faces of those who were up early enough to see it just rise over the trees, a sense of calamity falling over whoever had watched it before reaching its peak, witnessing the sky painted in various pinks, oranges, and dandelion yellow.

Everyone, of course, was still fast asleep in their beds. Although given the fact there was a healthy mix of AC/DC and Taylor Swift playing a couple floors down, it could be argued Tony never went to sleep the night before.

And while everyone was cozied up, drooling on their pillows, a supersoldier and red-haired Russian assassin sat in the kitchen, enjoying their early morning. They found it was the only time they had where it was truly quiet and they could spend time together. It allowed them a few hours of uninterrupted peace, devoid of babysitting duty of managing the overgrown toddlers. It was the equivalent of two parents finally getting alone time, with no pestering requests or running themselves ragged trying to keep the house from burning down.

As they sat together in silence, two steaming cups of hot beverages in front of them, Steve lazily scrolled down his phone while looking perplexed. His eyebrows furrowed together, creasing darkly. He lazily stirred his coffee with a spoon, not exactly paying much attention to the world around him. He was oblivious to the woman before him, who attempted to study him like a book.

His jaw was set firm, and the more he read, the more intense he looked. His baby blues didn't stray from the screen for even a moment, completely ensnared by the words which he read.

With a skeptical look, Natasha kept her eye on Steve, wondering what exactly on his phone had him so enthralled.

"Y'know, Rogers, if you keep frowning like that your face is gonna stay that way." Nat teased as she sat across the breakfast bar from him. She had a sly smile on her face as she watched him over her raised cup of green tea. Softly, she blew the steam away, attempting to cool her drink down so she could enjoy it.

Steve looked up at her, confusion spreading over his handsome face, almost like what she had said didn't quite register in his brain. Suddenly he smiled, shaking his head, "My Ma used to say that too. I think that's why Bucky now has a permanent scowl." He moved his spoon from his coffee into his cereal bowl, taking a large bite and making Natasha wonder why he didn't just go get a new spoon to eat his Raisin Bran.

"You sure it's not just a bad case of resting bitch face?" She asked smugly as she took another sip of her tea. She had a half-eaten piece of toast on her plate in front of her, but she chose to focus on the beverage while it was still warm.

"Could be," Steve only chuckled, dipping his spoon into his coffee and raising it to his lips as though it were cereal, swallowing a spoonful of the hot liquid and cringing as soon as he realized his mistake.

Natasha only smiled mischievously, predicting it was only a matter of time before he slipped up like that. "Whatcha reading that's got your panties in such a twist?" She asked him, watching him roll his eyes at her choice of words.

Putting his spoon on the side of his cereal so he wouldn't make the same mistake, Steve huffed frustratedly, "Uhh, just catching up on pop culture stuff. I'm trying to stay relevant and up to date, you know?" He nodded as he spoke, as though he knew he should do it, but didn't quite want to.

Natasha cocked her head, watching as he rose his coffee mug to his firmly set pink lips. "And how's that working for you?"

"Well," He began, taking a deep sigh as he put his phone down and crossed his arms, "I'm having a hard time keeping up. It seems like there's something new every day, and I can hardly process it all." He pursued his lips, frowning a little bit more as he brought up an example frustratedly, "For instance, just last week I was on a mission with Peter and apparently, it's no longer acceptable to say _'yeet'_ when I throw the shield! But I swear it was only a month ago when he told me it was funny!" He said, looking a little defeated.

Natasha pursed her lips as she tried to stifle her laughter at the soldier out of time's attempts. Her hand slid across the breakfast bar, gently taking his and giving it a tight, reassuring, squeeze which he softly returned.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing great!" She encouraged with a small smile, and Steve eagerly gave her one back, appreciating her assurance. She pulled her hand away so he could go back to reading whatever was so important. "So what's the big news today?"

Steve licked his lips as he began, "Uhh, well, from what I gather, someone named Kylie Jenner might be pregnant, I think— or no! Oh wait, Beyoncé is pregnant… Actually, she just had twins! Oh! Well, mazel tov to Beyoncé!" Steve gasped with a smile, even though he really didn't know who any of the people he named off were, "Some couple by the name of Anna Farris and Chris Pratt just broke up. There was a movie that came out this week called _Rough Night,_ and the actress kinda looks like you." He said with a frown as he grabbed his phone again to pull up the picture of the movie and zooming it in with his two fingers so he could show Nat.

Curious, Nat leaned across the breakfast bar, gazing at the phone screen to take a look. "Meh, I don't see it." She shrugged.

"Yeah, neither do I. I take it back. Plus, you could never pull off a haircut like that." He insisted and Natasha was about to open her mouth to protest. However, Steve continued spewing the news he had just learned, "And _apparently_, some singer named Lorde has a secret Instagram account which is only used to review onion rings from different locations."

Natasha gave off a little snort, "I like that idea. It's funny."

Steve frowned, "I don't really get it. What's the point of it?" He asked her curiously with a raised eyebrow. He had a hard time grasping technology still, so the idea of having a page dedicated just to onion rings was understandably odd.

She shrugged again, pausing from her tea to plop a bite of toast in her mouth. Swallowing it down, she only said, "I don't know! She's in the view of the public and it's nice to just have something she enjoys for herself. It's funny, and it's a quirky way to combine technology and interest."

"Why onion rings?" He asked her, the confused look on his face only growing.

Nat pursed her lips and sighed, "I don't know!" She stressed, "The girl just likes onion rings, I guess," He was obviously confused about why someone would dedicate an entire account to onion rings, of all things. Why not french fries, instead? "Look, it's probably something that she enjoyed. It was for her and her close friends, and it was nice to have that little funny secret from the media."

Steve nodded in understanding, although Natasha assumed he likely still didn't quite get it. But with a nonchalant shrug, he disregarded the idea and continued on happily eating his cereal.

However, his good mood was soon ruined as Alpine, Bucky's mangy cat, hopped onto the bar beside him, hoping for some scraps. Horrified, Steve quickly tried to shoo him away, making the cat hiss violently at his assailant.

"Oh! You big meanie! Let him stay!" Nat exclaimed through another mouthful of toast. She didn't mind the cat, although she was weary to keep her distance from it.

"That cat's got mange, Nat! I don't want it near where I'm eating!" He looked at it with slight disgust, clearly not a big cat person. "Plus, he's just mean!" To prove his point, as Steve tried to gently push the cat off the breakfast bar, the creature retaliated with a swipe at him with its paws.

Steve still remembered how Bucky had shown up with the cat in his jacket after a mission. He had found it scrapping near a dumpster in an alley, being picked on by much larger cats. Later, he defended his reason for taking him, saying he reminded him of a skinny Steve.

Steve hadn't even noticed Bucky had him tucked snugly away in the comfort of his tac jacket until they were back on the quinjet. And when they had all settled down, Steve's ears picked up when he heard a distinct _mroww_ come from Bucky's chest area.

Frowning, he had looked over to his oldest friend, from where he could have sworn he heard the noise come from.

Hesitantly, Steve had asked, _'Did anyone hear a cat?' A_lthough he wasn't sure on whether or not his ears were playing tricks on him, "_I could have sworn I just heard a cat."_

'_Nope!' _Bucky had insisted, popping his 'p'. _'I didn't hear anything.'_ He then refused to meet Steve's gaze, his eyes focused on something of extreme interest was on the ceiling of the quinjet.

Glaring, Steve's eyes narrowed at his friend accusingly. _Meowww! _He knew he had heard it again, his eyes going wide, and then squinting at Bucky again as he caught him red-handed like a kid who had taken that last cookie from the cookie jar.

Bucky, with his guilty eyes, quickly shifting to meet Steve's gaze and pursing his lips together and only coughed awkwardly, _'That was me making that noise._' He insisted, knowing he had been caught.

Steve glare had gotten even harder, his eye slightly twitching. _'Bucky? What did you do?'_

'_I still don't know what you're goin' on about, Stevie! I ain't—,_' Then, a tiny head popped its way out of Bucky's jacket, making an appearance,_ '—Fuck.'_ The supersoldier rolled his eyes, realizing his new friend had been discovered.

'_Aweee! A kitty!' _Sam almost squealed as his voice got an octave higher, and he had sat next to Bucky, practically cooing. _'We have a whittle bitty stow away I seeee.' _He talked like a baby to the small animal, gazing down with love in his eyes.

'_You need to take a step away from me and never do that again.'_ Bucky insisted flatly as he held his hand up to Sam's chest to stop him from leaning in too close to see the cat.

'_Noted.'_ Sam only nodded in agreement, swallowing thickly from Bucky's threateningly low tone. He moved his hand in to scratch behind the cat's ear when he noticed the critter's war wounds from his alley fights,_ 'Does he bite?'_ He asked skeptically, pulling his hand away as the cat hissed after him. Steve nearly snorted at the question. Was Sam talking about Bucky or the cat?

Smiling and looking down, Bucky could only say fondly, _'Yeah.' _

Since then, the only reason why Steve had let the cat stay was because Bucky had become so attached to it. Bruce had tried to convince him in the meantime that a therapy animal was good for him, even though Steve didn't know why he couldn't have picked a dog instead. But then again, Steve was always more of a dog person anyway and had no problem with the cat disliking him. Steve loved dogs. In fact, there were very few things in the world he loved more than them.

Really, Bucky was the only person who could get close to the menace. Even Summer, Bucky's _friend, _who tried probably harder than anyone to get the cat to like her, had too many close run-ins with the beast and had come out looking like she had lost a fight. Red scratch and bite marks had covered all over her arms, proving to Steve the little devil was just the worst.

Steve recalled how a few times in the middle of the night, he could hear a distinctly fierce _'Raawwwoow_!" of a cat's wail coming from Bucky's room, followed by a female screaming and a masculine bellowing of "_Alpine, NO!"_, as he then heard Summer's angry stomps leaving Bucky's room to sleep on the couch.

"He's not that bad!" Nat lied, watching amusingly as Steve once again tried to get the cat off of where he was eating.

Finally, Steve hissed back at the cat, and the little terrorist got the idea to skedaddle. Although, once it jumped down from the counter, it's tail went down and it began wailing in pain dramatically though something terrible had happened to it. No doubt, it would keep up with the act until it got to Bucky, who would then be worried someone had hurt him and give him an extra handful of treats.

"That's cold, Rogers," Natasha said as she watched the lying creature hobble off to his owner.

Steve sipped his coffee, "I don't care, he had it comin'." He said as he watched the drama queen of an animal saunter away. With a quick snort, Steve only raised his eyebrows as he took another drink of his cup of joe, "Good riddance, I say!"

As he watched the animal, he wondered to himself yet again why the hell it couldn't have been a dog. "Nat?" He asked her curiously as his eyes continued to follow the demon down the hall, "For that secret Instagram, would there be some with pictures of cats?"

"Probably," She answered, thinking nothing of it. "Why?"

Steve shrugged, "No reason," was all he said. They had a few moments of uninterrupted silence until a very loud presence stumbled it's way down the hall, carefully walking past the cat and warning it to stay far away, causing a chortle to erupt in Steve's throat.

Sam appeared around the corner, still nervously looking back at the thug he had passed on his way to the kitchen, "Mornin'!" He said groggily, sauntering in and yawning while simultaneously scratching his behind.

Natasha couldn't help but scrunch her nose at the gross display of typical male behaviour. She couldn't believe she and Wanda had survived amid such a sausage party for so long.

Sam walked up to the kitchen, his bare feet badly making any noise against the floor and yawned again. He opened up the cupboard and practically gasped, "Who the hell ate the last of the Lucky Charms?" He asked in wonder, his eyes desperately raking the cupboard for the marshmallowy goodness.

Steve frowned, trying to recall who he had seen had it last. "Ummm... Not sure."

Natasha was grinning like the devil behind her warm beverage. It was her who had finished the sugary cereal the night before for a midnight snack, but she already disposed of the evidence and no one would be the wiser.

"Have some bran!" Steve said way too excited through a mouthful, as though he suggested something worth being excited about. Natasha was positive no one in this history of mankind spoke so enthusiastically of the prospect of eating cardboard.

Sam scrunched his nose in disgust, unbelieving he would even suggest such an atrocity, "Bran? What am I? 80? Hard pass, grandpa. Your taste buds stop working or something when you came out of the ice, old man?" Steve didn't tell him that even bran was far too sweet for him. It was a large improvement from the boiled and bland food he used to eat back in the 40s.

"Hey! Don't insult bran!" Steve defended it, "It's good for you, and I like to be on a schedule." Steve shrugged through another mouthful of raisins and cardboard, "You have to stay regular, y'know? Otherwise, you're on a mission and the next thing you know it's Belize all over again." His face became devoid of all colour, almost like he had seen a ghost as he recalled the traumatic memory.

"What happened in Belize?" Sam asked quizzically, seeing an opportunity to gain some new fresh gossip.

Steve's cheeks began to turn pink from embarrassment as Sam asked the dooming question, "Nothing!" He insisted firmly before shoveling another spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

"Steve nearly shit himself in the suit," Natasha answered dryly, earning her a dirty look from the supersoldier. She knew she would pay for that one later, but for now, she would revel in her sweet victory; her smirk masked behind her mug of tea.

"You did what?!" Sam demanded with a boisterous laugh, looking between the two of them amused.

"Even superheroes need bathroom stops once in a while!" Steve defended himself, the tips of his ears turning even redder and spreading down his neck from his shame.

"You did not nearly shit in the suit! Please tell me you're joking!" Sam was almost in hysterics, his eyes welling up in tears as he imagined the scenario. "Would that count as treason or something? I mean technically it's damaging government property— _historic_ government property!"

"It wasn't nearly!" He defended yet again, his arms raised defensively, "I made it!"

"It was close." Natasha reminded him with a sympathetic cock of her head. "You were jumping up and down like a little kid."

Smirking larger and looking like a cat that ate the cream, Sam asked, "Soooo, what happened?"

"I made it to the bathroom!" Steve re-emphasizing he was able to hold it as he held his hands up defensively.

"He didn't make it to the bathroom." Natasha corrected, "He dug a hole and went behind a bush." Steve glared at her aggressively for sharing his secret. She could have sworn she saw his eye twitch ever so slightly.

It was then Nat's turn to hold her hands up in defense, "Hey, I don't take the shits! I only disturb them!" Her choice in expression was yet again of the most perfect timing. Sam couldn't help but choke a laugh from her word choice.

"Oh please, as if you've never had a close call, Romanoff!" Steve's glare was unyielding.

With a smug grin, Natasha said confidently before taking another sip of tea, "Well, of course not! Wanna know why? Because I'm a professionaaalll," She savoured the sweet words as she sang them from her lips.

Chuckling, Sam only shook his head as he tried to comfort Steve "Whatever, we've all been through it, man. The job's not always as glamorous as people think. Sometimes you just gotta do it army style. Hell, one time I was knocked so hard I nearly lost control of my bladder. Even the Avengers gotta go when they gotta go." Sam closed the cupboard with a frustrated huff, deciding on having some bran after hearing Steve's horror story. "What I wanna know is who the hell is wreaking havoc in the bathrooms here, though! Cause I gotta tell ya, whoever the serial pooper is, they've got bowels straight from hell." He looked at the cereal in horror as he recounted his tale.

"A serial _what_?" Steve demanded, looking both disgusted and shocked.

"You heard me, Rogers! There's a serial pooper on the loose in this building, and I'm gonna find out who it is! Cause for real, they need a doctor." Sam shuttered as he recalled a traumatic memory of earlier that week. "I swear, Barnes was ready to break out a gas mask from the war before heading in the bathroom the other day. The place was toxic. I was a whole two minutes away from boarding up the place like it was a radioactive dead zone." Steve didn't have the heart to tell Sam he was thinking of the wrong war with the gas masks, but the idea was funny enough that he laughed.

Upon hearing Sam's story, Natasha couldn't contain her laughter, a burst of it emitting our her mouth from the sheer ridiculousness of the conversation. She couldn't believe she was listening to two grown men speak of such things. Figuring she could stir the pot a little bit more, Natasha revealed the horrible truth, "It's Clint, he's lactose intolerant."

Sam paled, looking at Natasha as though she had just delivered the news that his mother had died. Pausing mid-pour of his cereal into the bowl, his jaw dropped open ever so slightly. The air grew cold, and suddenly there was silence between the three individuals. A pregnant pause filled the room and he looked at her in blank shock.

"He's lactose and tolerant?" Sam asked, making sure he heard correctly and Natasha wasn't pulling his leg.

"Lactose intolerant," She corrected, "But yes,"

"So you're telling me..." Sam emphasized precariously, pinching his nose as he took steady inhaled and exhales, trying to remain calm. "That I saw that man absolutely demolish a four cheese pizza last night...and he's lactose and tolerant?"

"Intolerant." Nat corrected again, tilting her head as she spoke.

"That bitch!" Sam yelled angrily, shaking his head in disbelief. "I can't believe this! I live with a bunch of animals, apparently!" He ran his hand over his tired face, looking fed up, "Oh, that's it for him! He's done for! Nuh-uh! I ain't working with him until he gets himself checked out."

Steve and Natasha both laughed even more, the blonde shaking his head.

"Barnes is gonna have that man's hide, let me tell ya! I swear he held his breath the entire time he was in there. Came out red as can be when he finally made it out. I genuinely thought he might pass out." Sam recalled, once again, shaking his head in disbelief "I thought it was gonna bring back some old war flashback. I kept trying to do calming breathing exercises with him afterward but he wouldn't have it, just sauntered off to go punch some sandbags."

"Why didn't he just breathe out of his mouth instead to keep from smelling it?" She wondered, knowing it would have stopped all sense of smell for them.

"You can do that?" Sam asked in wonder, looking at her like he was discovering this news for the first time.

"Uhh, yeah?" She replied with a cocked eyebrow as the two idiots looked at her in awe.

"Women, man," Sam said in admiration to Steve who only nodded.

"Amazing!" Steve exclaimed, equally as dumbstruck by the new discovery they stumbled upon.

"Jesus Christ, you boys are dumb." She shook her head, wondering how the hell she managed to survive so long without any female help.

"Mhmmm!" Sam hummed proudly, his hand laying low so Steve could give him a high five. Although really, it was nothing to high five over.

"Word!" Steve emphasized too strongly. The confidence he put into the one-line statement came off too heavy, betraying him at the moment he needed it the most.

Both Sam and Nat looked at him quietly, wondering if he said exactly what they thought he did. Their eyes met, and Sam was frozen with a spoon raised mid-way to his mouth as he looked on in horror at the lost cause before him.

With a hopeless sigh, Steve exclaimed heartbrokenly "I'm trying a new thing, okay! Peter said it would be cool!"

At least he was trying, Nat had to give him that, "I think you gotta stop listening to that kid. At this point, he's just taking advantage of you." Natasha also knew of a deal he stuck up with Tony. Each time Peter taught either Steve or Bucky an outdated phrase, Tony would give him ten bucks. And of course, Peter not knowing the devious end of it and just thinking it was a funny prank, was an all too willing servant.

She nearly rolled her eyes when she thought of how long it took Barnes to get over the phrase 'groovy' and 'wig' once he knew leaned it. At one point, she was a hair away from beating him to a pulp after about the dozenth time or so of him telling her 'Will you just take a chill pill, Nat?'

"Yeah man, you are way too easy to fool. You're like a young Motown singer, all shiny and dumb and way too easy to take advantage of." Sam agreed, looking at the tragic case before him.

With a sigh, Steve got up from his seat, taking his phone with him. Nat watched as he placed his bowl and mug into the dishwasher, and turned around to head back to his room.

"On that note, I'm gonna take off." He tucked his phone in his pajama pants pocket, and Nat noticed his twitch in his brow. As a super spy, of course, she was more alert to human behaviour than anyone else. She could read Rogers like an open book, and as he waited for them to say something she cocked a curious eyebrow at him. His eyes flashed to their faces, "I'll be out until later, if you guys need anything just shoot me a text."

Sam nodded, thinking nothing of Steve's behaviour as he continued mowing down on his cereal. Once he was out of range, Nat turned to him, "Did that seem weird to you?"

"What? Steve? No." Sam looked surprised she would even ask.

She pursed her lips, raising her shoulders a little bit, "He seemed weird."

"What do you mean by weird? Like we hurt his feelings by calling his a dumb Motown singer?"

"Please," She rolled her eyes, "We've called him worse." It was true, they could be quite brutal to the fossil. But for the most part, he had it coming.

"Seemed normal to me." Sam shrugged as he continued shoveling cereal in his mouth. He looked down at his bowl and nodded, "Y'know this really isn't that bad. Maybe I'll try like… shredded wheat or something next. Ohh! Or maybe some white people shit like quinoa!"

Natasha wasn't buying it. Something was off about Rogers behaviour. In fact, ever since Sam walked in her was acting strange, she just hadn't noticed it at first, "I don't know. Something just doesn't seem right."

Sam sighed and put his bowl down, looking at the super-assassin and reassuring her, "Look, Nat, Steve is fine. I'm sure he's just being weird because his birthday is in a couple weeks. You know he hates when all the attention is on him. Plus, it can't be easy turning ninety-nine! Did you know when he was born sliced bread wasn't even invented? Like, that has got to be rough."

Natasha still didn't buy it. Deep down she knew something was up, and she'd be damned if she didn't find out what.

* * *

It was close to two weeks later when Natasha continued to notice Steve's strange behaviour. At first, it was small things, like how often his phone would ping, alerting him of a new notification.

Then, she noticed how he was at the complex far less than normal. Steve didn't like to go out more often than he had to, mainly because of the public attention he would always receive the moment he stepped into the city.

And then there was the sneaking around, and how he had thought she wouldn't notice as he got back to his rooms late at night. But ohhhh, she noticed. She noticed everything.

And apparently, his behaviour was becoming so odd that even bird-brained Sam was beginning to pick up on it. However, it wasn't until one day in the training complex as Natasha was bench pressing that her suspicions were finally acknowledged.

"Okay, you were right," Sam said as he strutted up to her as she tried to get in a quick workout. He looked down at her as she laid on her back, hoisting the metal bar with weights on it up and down, "Hey, you need a spotter?"

"Sure," She let out a deep exhale, trying to keep her breathing even as her muscles strained. "Remind me again what I was right about? There are just so many things it's hard to keep track." She chuckled.

"About Steve!" Sam hissed as he watched her carefully, his hands on the bar in case she needed it; although he doubted she did. "You were right about him being weird!"

"Well, of course, I was." After all, when was she ever wrong about a hunch? "What made you change your mind, though?"

"The guy is walkin' round smiling at his phone like a damn lunatic! At this point, he's practically certifiable!"

As if on cue, Steve let out a small laugh as he shook his head, his eyes still glued to the screen on the other side of the gym. He wiped his sweaty forehead with a small towel from his bag, still not even taking a moment to look up from the glowing device. Even as he took a sip of water, he was still scrolling away like a regular, everyday teenager.

"The only time I smile like that is when I look at my phone is when I get nudies," Sam assured her.

Wrinkling her nose and sitting up, so she could talk to him without a bar in her way. Natasha looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "Wilson, you don't get nudes."

"I would if I wasn't painstakingly single at the moment! I thought this superhero thing would be big with the ladies— and by the way, it is! It's a huuugeee turn on for them. The only thing is that I'm too damn busy to get busy, y'know what I'm saying?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"So let me get this straight," Nat sighed in an annoyed fashion, "You think that for almost the last two weeks straight, Steve —our Steve, Steve Rogers—has been receiving constant pictures of naked women and that's why he's smiling like that?" She demanded.

"Okay, so my theory isn't perfect. But I know you were right! Something is up!" He continued to look on at Steve across the gym in wonder. Once again, they heard the annoying ping of his phone go off. Didn't he know how to put the damn thing on vibrate? "It has to be an affair." Sam shook his head in disgust as he came to the very off-based realization.

"An affair? Really, Wilson?! With who and _ON_ who? Who is he possibly having an affair on? That would require him already being in a relationship, and as you just pointed out, there's no time for that!"

Sam thought about it for a moment, his brows creasing. He thought so hard Nat was worried he might hurt himself until it finally came to him. Snapping his fingers in a eureka moment, Sam looked at her and gasped "Barnes, obviously! Those two are thicker than thieves. Plus I don't think they completely swing for our team, ya feel?" Sam chuckled as he winked down at her.

"Oh, please! Maybe it could have been possible in the 1940s, but there was the whole Peggy thing and now Barnes has Summ—,"

"Will you quit poking holes in all my theories?! God! We can't all be as smart and observant as you, okay!" Sam huffed, clearly annoyed at Natasha and her logic. "All I know is that he's been weird ever since that day in the kitchen and I'm getting worried!"

Suddenly, something dawned on her. Looking at Sam in wonder, Natasha had a large grin on her face as she finally figured just why Steve had been acting so strangely. "I think I know what it is!" Her devious smile only grew, "And I need you to help me with something!"

"Yeah of course babydoll, whatever you need. Does this plan involve screwing one of our closest friends over? Because if it doesn't, your evil smile is very misleading."

"Oh Samuel," Natasha sighed and looked over at Steve again, "You bet your sweet ass it does."

* * *

"Happy birthday dear Steeeeevveee! Happy birthday to youuuuuu!" Everyone sang off-key as they gathered around a large Uncle Sam themed ice cream cake. Steve stood in front of it with a large, although a little bashful, smile. A phone flash could be seen as someone took a picture, trying to save the moment.

Taking a large breath, Steve blew out the two candles on the top. He thought they might actually be two 6's turned upside down to mimic 9's, but he didn't mind.

"Ah, look at that! Zero boyfriends! What a bummer." Tony teased him, taking a candle out and licking the ice cream off of it and putting it on the bartop beside him, "You know when I bought these someone asked if my grandma was turning 99 and wished me congratulations. I didn't correct them."

"Thanks, Tony," Steve smiled, despite the backhanded compliment.

"Hey, no problem Grandma. But anyway, happy birthday, you handsome bastard! How many spankings is it this year?" Tony asked as he passed him a drink. "Would you say it's enough to make your ass turn red, white, and blue?" Steve blinked at him a couple times, not even dignifying that question with an answer. Especially since the candles he was licking off and putting back into the cake clearly said 99.

"Get it? Because you're white, but with all the spankings it'll be red and blue from the bruising?"

"I got it, Tony. Thank you."

"Anything for America's ass." He assured him fondly a saluting as he looked over at him.

"Also, when you get a moment, could you please send me the damage reports of the last mission?" Steve asked Tony as he greeted people a little distractedly and thanked them for the birthday wishes.

"Uhh, yeah, about that." He said as she took Steve by the shoulder and looked him in, "I'd like to cordially invite you to fuck off, if you please. It's a party, not work."

Just as Steve was about to let out a sigh in protest, Tony was soon called away by Pepper, who was also pestering him about the same reports.

They had all congregated on the rooftop patio so they could light off fireworks later in the evening. For the occasion, small patio lights had been strung all over. A seating area and a bar had also been set up, a blank sheet hanging across from the various couches and pillows. Steve didn't know what for, but he supposed people wanted to show a movie or something and that's why it was there.

"Happy birthday Mr. Captain America, sir!" Peter Parker came up with a happy smile, bringing a small present over that was hand-wrapped.

"Thanks, Peter! And I've told you before, just Steve is fine," He said as he began to unwrap Peter's thoughtful present.

"Okay, Mr. Steve!" He said a little too happy as he watched him tear off the wrapping paper.

"This is the first day we met! We didn't get a picture together, but I thought I'd save the moment anyway." It was just a blurry picture of Steve from behind, clearly taken from an iPhone from a little ways off, "Remember, when you beat me up?" Steve chuckled as he saw the carefully painted picture frame that Peter made.

"I do remember, and sorry about that." He apologized as cringed a little at the memory of decking the poor kid.

"It's okay! It was awesome! Like how many other teenagers can say they've been beaten up by Captain America?" He was far too excited about the prospect of it all, much to Steve's dismay.

"Hopefully not many." Steve nervously said as he tried to remember how many other masked assailants he had fought and prayed silently to himself that they were all adults. Peter began talking his ear off, and Steve had a hard time keeping up with what he was saying. Thankfully, another familiar face appeared in the mix, with a larger than life smile and three large steins in his hand as Steve and Peter continued to talk against the bar.

Thor passed Steve a drink and wished him a happy birthday, which he thanked him for. As Steve was about to ask who the third beer was for, he passed it to Peter and Steve's jaw nearly dropped to the floor.

"Thor! Peter can't have beer! He's only fifteen!" Steve shot him a disapproving glare as he scolded the Asgardian.

Frowning, Thor looked down at the teenager, "Fifteen you say? I'm so sorry, that's my mistake," He shook his head at his own inconsideration, "Tender of Bars! He shall have another!" Thor winked at Peter before grabbing him by the back of the neck fondly, "He's a growing boy!"

"Thor! Stop trying to sneak the kid beer! He doesn't even like it!" Tony called across the roof, where Pepper had been talking to him and showing him something that required his attention on a screen.

"Awww, that's okay! Thank you, Mr. Thor!" Peter said happily and then took a deep inhale like he was trying to psyche himself up to drink it. "It's just wheat tea." Peter said quietly to himself, almost so no one could hear him, "It's just wheat tea. You can do this."

"Kid, you don't have to drink it," Steve warned him.

But Peter did anyway. He took a large swing of the drink and with a full mouth, smiled back at Thor and nodded, signaling he was enjoying it.

"Good?" He asked him, hope in his eyes, thinking he converted another young one to the dark side. Peter, still smiling through the pain, had his lips pursed together as he nodded madly, looking happy.

"That's a good lad! It'll put hair on your chest!" Thor assured him with an encouraging grab of his shoulder.

As soon as Thor walked away, Peter spat out the mouthful of beer he was holding back into his stein, cringing and howling at the bitter taste.

"Here kid," Bucky appeared next to him as he passed him a juice box, "I'll trade you."

"I thought you couldn't get drunk because of the serum?" Peter frowned questioningly, wondering why he was drinking a juice box.

"Yeah, and?" Bucky asked with a raised eyebrow before walking away and swiping Peter's full stein of beer.

"Oh uhh, Mr. Barnes! I drank from that—ohh okay." Peter said quietly as Bucky stalked away, not caring that Peter had drunk out of it. But Peter had forgotten to mention he had spat his mouthful back into it.

"He drinks too much of it then has to pee all the time. That's why he's been downgraded to juice. Misses all the important stuff and whatnot," Sam corrected, "Conveniently, only on missions, too." He turned to Steve, "Happy birthday, Cap! And Happy Fourth of July, you patriotic son of a bitch." He swore despite the young ears present.

Steve told him thank you as large boxes of pizza were placed on the bar, courtesy of Tony. Sam saw the noticeable flash of blonde bee-lining to pizza, and suddenly he was defensive. Clint flipped open a box and hummed in approval, staring down with love in his eyes at all the slices.

"You eat that pizza, and I will straight up kill you." Sam glared at Clint as he was about to take a giant bite of a slice.

Clint's eyes flashed to the tempting mix of dough, sauce, and cheese, looking a little forlorn. In his eye, he almost had a challenge present, as though he would eat it despite Sam's promise of violence. Bucky was also alerted a little ways off to the threat present, his eyes glaring in Clint's back.

"Don't you dare. I'm not playing. I will leave your children fatherless!" Sam threatened menacingly. "And go see a doctor, man! That ain't normal!" He scolded before walking away.

As soon as Sam left, Clint turned his attention back on the pizza as though he were infatuated with it, mouthing a tiny, joyous 'yay!' before taking a large mouthful of saucy goodness.

"Hey! I see you, Barton!" His moment of joy was over, Bucky having caught him from where he was standing by the couches. Shoveling the pizza in his mouth faster in a desperate race, Bucky had to resort to drastic measures. "Down! Down! Put it down!" The brooding super soldier yelled before getting the spray bottle intended for disciplining Alpine on his side and squirting Clint with it like he was a naughty animal. Clint only grimaced and tried to keep chewing the slice of pizza he was hoarding. "Bad!"

Nat appeared near their side, watching Clint run away with a couple slices and hearing Bucky yell after him. She quickly grabbed Sam, alerting him that it was the time that they gave Steve their little _present _as well.

"If I could have everyone's attention!" Nat yelled to the party guests on the roof, "Sam and I have put together a little present of our own for Steve. If you can all gather in the seating area, it would be very much appreciated." She feared for Clint's safety for a brief moment after seeing Bucky stalk after him, and quickly intervened, "Hey Barnes, I could use a couple hands with this." Natasha said slyly with a devious smirk at her own witty comment, gesturing to the projector that had been placed at the door for their big reveal.

"Really Romanoff, arm puns? You're better than that." Bucky scowled bitterly. Arm puns were a regular thing at the Avengers complex, but it didn't mean Bucky had to willingly accept it.

"Nat, I'd watch out if I were you. He's usually armed," Sam couldn't contain his snort of laughter, chortling mid-sentence like a naughty grade-schooler.

"C'mon guys! I'm technically disabled." Bucky huffed frustratedly as he picked up the projector and carried it over to where Nat wanted it.

"That's right! Don't make fun of the disabled guys!" Clint spoke up, giving Bucky an approving nod, and a small thumbs up. He was clearly hoping to get on his good side following the whole pizza fiasco. "And what do we say when they make fun of us?" He urged him on quietly like they had practiced for this scenario before.

"That's ageist!" Bucky said confidently, his brows furrowing together as he set the projector on its stand.

"No, but nice try." Clint encouraged him, Bucky frowned even deeper, looking even more confused than he was before.

"That's homophobic?" He guessed, less sure of himself with an eyebrow raised.

"No, although also a good one. That's..." Clint urged, his hands moving to stimulate thought and help him out like he was trying to teach a child. He began to say the word, hoping he would catch on to what he was getting at "Able, remember? You're supposed to say: that's ableis—"

"You're enabling me!" Bucky called out like he had won something, trying so hard to guess what Clint was going to say.

"So close," He only said with a defeated sigh, giving up on the lost cause. The word Clint had been looking for was ableist, but he had tried his best.

Nat chuckled amusingly at the scene before her, and then watched as everyone had begun to head over to take their seats. She and Sam remained standing in front of the hanging sheet which they planned to play their little discovery on for everyone.

Her eyes caught on Steve as he moved through the various people, trying to find a spot on the couch. He moved past people beginning to sit down, when he came across Peter's outstretched legs on the patio coffee table.

Looking at it in slight disapproval, he asked politely "Peter, can you please move your feet off the coffee table?" Kids these days were raised like animals.

"Hey, kid! Remember what I told you to tell Steve when he tried to get all 'father-figure' on you?" Tony said as he sat himself down on the loveseat across from the couch where Pepper had already found a spot.

With a confused look, he stared at Tony in confusion until something finally clicked, "Huh? oooOOHH, yeah!" Peter recalled excitedly nodding with a wide smile.

"Okay, ask him again." Tony insisted to Steve, gesturing to Peter.

"Peter, can you please take your feet off the table?" Steve asked politely once more.

"Ok boomer!" Peter said loudly, directly to Steve's face, with the confidence of a much older, much stronger, man who could stand up to Captain America.

Steve's face turned down in a perplexed frown, immediately showing his disapproval and sadness. Immediately Peter's face dropped in horror once he realized he was done, "Y-yeah, I'm so sorry! I'll take my feet off right now! I'm so sorry, Mr. Captain America, sir." He moved his feet faster than anything Nat had ever seen, scooching over to make room for Steve, "I'm so sorry again, Mr. Stark told me it would be funny."

Steve, still looking moderately upset at Peter's comment sat himself down, and Nat came up behind him as Bucky sat on Steve's side. "It's okay big guy," Nat patted his shoulder sympathetically as he got comfy.

"I don't even know what that means," Steve said sadly, his shoulders slumping ever so slightly from Peter's comment.

As everyone was getting cozy and darkness was beginning to settle over the complex, making the viewing even better, Nat went to help Sam with the projector he was struggling to set up.

She could see Steve and Bucky talking quietly, when suddenly Bucky raised his stein to his lips and grimaced at the drink "This beer tastes like someone spit in it." Bucky frowned at the drink in his hand; and in the corner, Peter ducked nervously and continued to sip his juice box.

When Sam finally let out a victorious "Ah-HA!" As colour finally appeared on the white sheet, they were finally able to get their devious plan in motion. In the corner of her eye, from the open door leading to the roof patio, Nat could see a white ball of fluff stalk over to join the party.

Suddenly, there was a small gasp in horror, and Summer raised her arms in defense as Alpine curled up in her lap as she sat on the couch, "Bucky, what do I do? WhatdoIdowhatdoIdo?" Fear evident in her eyes from the unpredictable beast which yawned in her lap, looking innocent.

"Doll, relax! He's just wanting cuddles." He insisted and Summer shot him a pressing look that told him she didn't buy it.

"He's _plotting_ something!" She hissed, her eyes narrowing to the ticking time bomb nestled on her thighs.

Steve looked over to the little devil and only chuckled, knowing Summer was right. There's no way that demon_ wasn't_ plotting.

Meanwhile, another plot was afoot. The one both Sam and Nat had cooked up, and as he gave her an encouraging thumbs-up, they were ready for the big reveal.

"Hi, everyone! Thank you all for coming to celebrate Cap's birthday with us." She announced loudly as she stood in front of the screen. "Not that you had much of a choice, since most of you live here." She chuckled.

"This year, to celebrate how much we love him, Nat and I decided to put together a little slide show," Sam explained further, setting his laptop up so they could get the video going.

"A couple weeks ago, Sam and I noticed some of Cap's odd behaviour. Maybe some of you also noticed it? But either way, it was strange." Steve frowned as soon as she began to call him out, his brows creasing together.

Suddenly everyone was captivated by the scene before them, wondering what about Steve's behaviour could have been so strange. "The guy was getting all secretive and whatnot and sneaking off. So I came to the conclusion—," Nat cleared her throat in annoyance at Sam's words, "Fine, _NAT_ came to the conclusion that Steve had…."

Natasha used the clicker in her hand to change the slide, going to the first one, which had Betty Boop and pinup girls all over it looking surprised and shocked, their hands over their mouth in scandal, looking like she had something to hide, the slide read "A Dirty Little Secret," They both said the title in unison. It was then clear that they had obviously been practicing for the presentation.

Suddenly Steve paled, Bucky looked over at him in question with a raised eyebrow, and everyone looked onward with the utmost of intrigue. Tony picked up immediately, looking on in alert and giving a little "Ooooo, you have my attention!" As soon as he saw the first slide.

"Now, when Cap first started getting shady I just assumed he was getting senile with his old age," Sam shrugged as he stated casually, making Steve snort. "But it turned out something much darker was afoot!"

"And what, pray tell, does our good Captain have to hide?" Natasha asked him, "What could good, perfect, boy-scout, Captain America _possibly_ not be honest about?"

"So glad you asked, Natasha!" Sam beamed widely, hardly able to contain his excitement as Nat flipped to the next slide.

"A sex tape, mayhaps?" She questions with a raised eyebrow, showing the next picture and everyone gasped. It was a screenshot from Pornhub, the title of the movie being: 'Captain America sex tape with CEO of Stark Industry?' There was a man who looked slightly like Steve in it, and a woman, who if Nat was being really observant, maybe looked a little like Pepper.

"Oh, that's it." Tony looked on at the picture of the woman on the screen in slight dismay, "Pep, honey, I think we have to sue Pornhub." Although if he was being honest, he planned on watching the movie later.

Natasha and Sam had gracefully edited the picture so it was only a screenshot, all private parts replaced with peach, eggplant, and melon emojis. Steve looked on with a large blush on his face but was also laughing much like everyone else.

Sam continued, "Or maybe it's something less nasty. A food blog, perhaps?" Flipping to the next slide, Nat had added a very cute picture of Steve cooking eggs in the morning. He had bare feet in the picture, wearing only striped blue PJ pants and a grey t-shirt. He was looking down at the pan and smiling slightly at the prospect of eating his breakfast.

"Or maybe he has a FanFiction account where he writes sexy stories about all of us?" Another screenshot of a section of a FanFiction came up. It was an erotic story between him and Bucky, and immediately everyone was howling.

Everyone looked at the screen, reading the words with tears practically in their eyes from how hard they laughed. Both Steve and Bucky were looking a little uncomfortable, but they couldn't help but laugh as they read the excerpt from the poorly written fic.

'_You're my mission!' The Winter Soldier said threateningly, his first raised to deliver the final blow. _

'_And you're….' The Captain paused, breathing heavily, 'My best friend!' _

_The face of the Winter Soldier softens. Finally, he recognizes him. Their lips meet in a passionate kiss, their tongues wrestling, battling for dominance._

_Suddenly they're undressing, trying to get one another out of their tac gear. _

"So that's what happened on the helicarrier!" Tony gasped in laughter, looking back at how the tips of Steve's ears were bright pink.

Thor, trying to be as progressive as possible, only smiled at the two super soldiers, "Well, I think it's very nice!" He didn't quite get what exactly FanFiction was, but at least he was trying to be supportive. Bucky and Steve both turned a deeper shade of red. To cement they weren't together and save both of them from further embarrassment, Bucky placed his arm around Summer, making her snort.

With a smirk, Steve only turned to Bucky, adding to the drama that was erupting, "I think we'd make a cute couple."

"Me too." Bucky nodded, and although he still had his arm cemented around Summer, he took Steve's hand and they ended up laughing even harder until Bucky finally shoved him away, muttering something about him being a punk.

"Or maybe it's not that? Maybe the Captain has a secret Grindr profile none of us know of." Sam speculated and then quickly, for dramatic effect, yelled louder, "Or worse! Christian mingle!" Side by side, Sam and Nat had clearly made accounts on both dating apps, adding pictures of Steve's profile for more effect. They were both extremely attractive pictures of him, and the only interests it had listed below were: patriotism, extreme frisbee.

"No!" Nat finally yells, switching the slide once more "Captain America's dirty secret is that he has a secret Instagram account,"

"Oh, please, please God, let it be a secret Instagram account for onion rings," Tony clasped his hands, pretending to pray."Or better yet, apple cobbler!"

Natasha looked onward in victory as Steve realized he had been caught, slight panic in his eyes. She smirked wildly and continued on with how she figured out his secret, "At first we didn't know what was going on. Was Steve having an affair? Where was he going and why was he being so sneaky? But then, I remembered a conversation we had one morning a few weeks ago and I did some digging. Then I stumbled across this account 'notsteve.1918', which is not very inconspicuous. And then I also realized the only account who followed him that I recognized was 'sgt32557038', which, by the way, is a terrible username, Bucky."

"They were in cahoots! Sam yelled accusingly, "They were cahooting!"

"No, they weren't." Nat shook her head, dismantling his theory. She then flipped to Bucky's Instagram. He only had one picture, which was a blurry picture of the ground, and possibly a boot in the corner. It looked like he had uploaded it by accident, except the caption on it was _':)'_, which made Nat think it likely was intentional.

Steve's official Instagram ' ' left the only comment on it, saying _'Nice job, buddy! But maybe take a picture of something else other than the floor next time!" _

Bucky still didn't quite understand Instagram and was even amazed when he just realized Steve had commented on it, even though it had been left over 11 weeks ago.

"So, I wanted to get into Steve's account to see all he was posting. Since there are over 115 pictures now, but I knew he wouldn't let me follow him on my account. So I honeypotted him into thinking I was another account with similar interest." She shrugged mischievously, a devilish smile on her face." She then flipped to the next slide which then revealed what Steve's Instagram truly was, "And then I realized there was no way I could have ever been anything devious. Our Captain is far too pure and good for this world and this is why he is our fearless leader."

Everyone soon realized his secret as Natasha revealed it: he had a secret Instagram account dedicated to all the dogs he had seen. With a chuckle, Sam only shook his head, "Mans has literally just been walking around New York City and taking pictures with all the dogs he's come across."

Everyone looked at Steve as he turned away bashfully. He didn't realize they were looking at him because of how damn cute it all was, and he only blushed more.

"And now to prove Steve is the best, we're gonna show you guys our favourite pictures." Sam chuckled as Nat flipped to the first one.

It was with a large, smiling faced Steve as he took a selfie with a large Doberman. The Doberman was giving him a slobbery kiss, and Steve's face was all scrunched up, but he looked happy regardless. It was captioned _'This is Zeus, I thought he was a horse at first!' _

The next picture was equally as pure, with no Steve in it but he had clearly been following the dog walking with its owner for some time, trying to get a picture. It was a little tiny corgi dog with short little legs and a fluffy tail. Its coat of copper and white shined in the summer sun, looking like it had just come from the groomers. Steve had captioned it, _'LOOK AT ITS WIGGLY LITTLE BUTT AND TINY LEGS._'

Another one was with a dog in a backpack. It was looking at Steve absolutely transfixed, it's head twisted to the side as it stared back at him curiously. It was clearly only a puppy, from its lopsided head and much-too-large-for-body paws that stuck out of the backpack. Steve had written for the picture _'Got distracted and ended up following this dog and it's owner for five blocks :)' _

Thor looked confused at the contents of Steve's Instagram, but still had a smile on his face. "Ahh, my brother Loki—you all know Loki, yes?" Thor began one of his jovial stories, interrupting himself to make sure everyone followed.

"Yeah, I think we remember Loki." Bruce nodded plainly, as though it were obvious. There was a pause from looking at Steve's dog pictures so Thor could tell one of his undoubtedly comical stories.

"I don't!" Tony piped up from across the room, but Thor only shooed him away like a pesky fly. "He's the weasley one, right?"

"Anyway! He loves dogs too. All types of dogs, big ones, small ones. Especially wolves! Although... " Thor frowned, "Now that I think about it, perhaps he loves them a little too much." He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"I don't understand your family dynamic," Tony said blankly, picking up with Thor was lying down.

"Good thing he's adopted, right?" Thor laughed it off nervously, hoping no one really noticed what he had said.

"Did anyone else just get that he admitted Loki is into fucking dogs?" Tony questioned, looking pointedly over at the God of thunder.

"It's not like that on Asgard," Thor assured everyone with a burst of nervous laughter, "It's more normal than you think..." He trailed off, although everyone still looked at him uncomfortably, "The important thing to take away from this is that he's adopted!" He cleared his throat and happily changed the subject with a large smile.

"Thor, what are you even doing here? We tried to invite you to the party but had no way to contact you on Asgard. We didn't think you'd show," Tony suddenly realized that there was no way he could have known what was going on that evening.

"Antony, I wouldn't miss Steven's birthday for the world! But next time, an invitation _would_ be greatly appreciated." He added, still a little bitter about the lack of one.

"Right," Tony nodded, clicking his tongue, "I'll be sure to send an owl next time."

"Don't be ridiculous!" He cleared his throat after a small pause, "A raven will do just fine."

'_This is Jinxi. She's a princess. I love her',_ was the next caption. It was a picture of Steve holding a little white miniature poodle in his arms in Central Park. He must have asked the owner if he could pick it up, and clearly, they were the one who had taken the picture of the two of them together. His smile beamed widely as the tiny dog looked up in awe at the new friend she had made. The dog's tail must have been wagging wildly at its new friend, it's excitement obvious in the picture.

"I don't understand any of these dogs," Thor said as he looked on confused, stroking his bearded chin. "Steven, you realize none of these beasts are large enough for you to ride, right?"

"You're not supposed to ride them, Thor," Steve explained.

"Someone try telling that to Loki." Tony pointed out, causing Sam to snort out laughter, spitting his drink slightly out of his nose.

As the pictures went on and people 'Ohhh'd' and 'Awww'd', Steve's blush only grew from embarrassment. It wasn't until Sam spotted a username who had liked several of Steve's pictures that had him truly offended. "Wait a sec, you let Bruce follow you?! What the fuck, man?" Sam demanded, slightly hurt that he wasn't chosen. Bucky was understandable as to why he was allowed to follow the account, but Bruce?

"I like dogs and I'm good at keeping secrets." Bruce shrugged as he piped up quietly, interjecting why he was allowed.

The next picture that followed was not of a dog, but of something of another nature instead. The sight would have been strange anywhere else, but not in New York. For New York, it was just another regular day to see someone walking an animal that wasn't a traditional pet. It wasn't a dog, but Steve had gone and taken a picture of it anyway and added it to his account because he thought the creature was cute.

It's usually strange bodies did not go unnoticed by the foreigner who was present, who's mouth dropped slightly agape as he saw the two animals being walked on a leash, "What in Odin's name is _THAT_?" Thor demanded lowly, clearly entranced. Natasha was positive she could see little cartoon hearts in his eyes as he stood there, transfixed on the screen.

"Alpacas!" Steve said with a large smile, looking proud himself for knowing what the weird animals were. "I got to pet one. They have soft fur."

"Alpaci, actually." Tony said jokingly, looking at the rest of the gang, "The plural for alpacas is alpaci." He lied, trying to see if anyone would buy it.

"I must have one," Thor whispered softly to himself in a determined fashion. "I must have a whole herd of these alpaci!" He looked on in wonder, gasping quietly, "Magnificent beasts."

"It's a gaggle of alpaci, but who cares ." Tony shrugged again, seeing how far he could get away with teasing the Asgardian.

"Well then..." Thor put his hands in his hips and nodded in agreement, stating casually as he gestured to the screen, "I shall have an entire gaggle of alpaci!" He then looked to Steve strangely, squinting at him, "They can be eaten, right?" Steve paled ever so slightly.

Tony nodded, "Sure! That can be arranged. Once again, just don't let Loki know about them." Thor rolled his eyes, but chuckled amusingly at Tony's snide comment.

"If we're getting alpaci, can we get goats?" Bucky inquired, also being fooled by Tony's cruel joke.

"No, I already let you have your little devil therapy cat. Besides, you already have Steve! Why do you need any more wild animals?"

"Hey!" Steve shot back, his hurt tone reflected by the frown on his face, "It's my birthday, be nice." He ordered.

The next picture was of Steve taking another picture with a dog. He had his arm around it and was smiling widely at the camera. It was obvious that Steve had taken a picture purposely with the dog because the colour scheme of his outfit looked like the dog's fur. The caption read _'Met a dog named Dodger today! He and I were dressed similarly, LOL.' _The happiness of Steve's face was unmistakable. His smile stretched from ear to ear as he posed with the pup.

Finally, the last slide Nat and Sam decided to show (of the very vast collection they had found) was of a video of Steve in a dog shelter. He was surrounded by them and they were all coming up to lick his face. Steve laughed loudly as they continued on their assault, attacking him with kisses and their little furry butts wagging so hard it almost looked like they were going to fall off. It was captioned: "_Made a bunch of new friends! Never been so happy :)_' One in particular seemed to be fond of Steve, it's tailing wagging so hard it was like a little propeller on a plane, about ready to fly away.

As Steve looked at the memory a little forlorn, Nat didn't miss the slight sadness etched on his face as he thought of all the pups he had met and was never able to take one home. "We should have never assumed you were doing something sneaky," Nat apologized, "You're the best, and I know it seems like we often don't appreciate you-"

"I definitely don't appreciate you," Tony spoke up but was ignored by the others.

"You've been there for every single one of us," Sam continued, "And to show how much we value -" Nat show him a glare and he rolled his eyes and corrected himself "Love you. To show how much we _love_ you, we thought we would get you something."

Nat turned, and behind the curtain they had shown the slide show on, she reached for a large box. She brought it over to Steve, although she struggled a little from how awkward it was. He looked at it with wide eyes and carefully lifted the lid.

A tiny cocker spaniel poked its head out, whimpering slightly at the scariness of its new environment. Steve gasped as he saw the little animal, and Nat could have sworn she saw the faintest of tears well in his eyes. "You guys!" Steve exclaimed as he saw the creature.

Suddenly, a small scream emitted from the woman beside Bucky, making Steve become alert until he realized the reason why she had squealed was because Satan had sunk his claws deep in her tender flesh. Clearly, the cat was not pleased by the newcomer.

"Alpine, stop hurting Summer!" Bucky shooed the cat, who then found its way to his lap, who head-butted him affectionately and began purring as Bucky stoked him, as though he didn't just draw blood from his poor victims' thighs moments before.

"I told _you_!" Steve couldn't help but chuckle from Summer's sharp whispering. But at the moment he didn't care about any of that. He lifted his new puppy out of the box and everyone gathered around to stare at its sweet little face.

"Is this… the puppy from the rescue shelter I went to?" He asked as he saw the pup's documents at the bottom of the box. She had a bright blue collar in contrast with her fur, reading _"Copper." _

"We saw how happy you were in the picture with her and thought to get her for you," Nat said as she looked at Steve cuddling the puppy in amazement, still in disbelief. He looked at the back of her tag and saw how it said _'If found, please call my dad. He's probably ugly crying'_, followed by Steve's phone number.

Gasping, Steve looked at Sam and Nat again, "I don't even know what to say! Thank you!"

"You're welcome, Steve." Nat kissed his cheek and gently pet the new whimpering puppy whose tail was going a million miles a minute.

"Best birthday ever!" Steve exclaimed and then stood up happily, the puppy still in his arms, "Now if you will excuse me for a moment, I have to go make Copper her own Instagram."

He carried away the puppy, holding her up and cooing, "Yes I do! Yes, I doooo!" As he walked away, Nat noticed the big smile on his face and knew it wouldn't be disappearing anytime soon.

* * *

**Thanks for reading this piece of garbage one-shot! In retrospect I should have posted it on July 4th, but I came up with the idea mid-February, so...**

**Reviews/comments are very much appreciated. They make me happy! Also, check out my other Bucky/OC fic. I promise it's a lot better than this one lol.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**-A**


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